Six Rules on How to Treat Your Bartender

written December 9, 2005


RULE #1: DON'T YELL
If you are standing at a busy bar, and your bartender hasn't served you yet, it's most likely not because they don't want to, but because their attention is floating all along that bar. Tall people stick out. Hot people stick out. A $20 tip sticks out (see rule below about the 'open bar' policy). Either way, we wanna get paid just as bad as you wanna drink, so don't worry, we'll get to you. But when you start opening up your mouth spewing garbage such as "HEY HEY!" or "YO BARTENDER!" or "HEY I'M NEXT" or "CAN I GET A DRINK TODAY?!"... guess what, we're not coming to you next.

Clearly you have no patience or sense of business. When a bar is three deep in layers of alcoholics, all waiting to feed their livers a dose of poison, it's hard to pay attention to who was next. So seriously, if you start running your yap and degrading us and our job in the same sentence, then guess what, I'm not serving you yet. That, and most likely I'll look you in the eye and say "HOLD.ON."...& even then it'll probably be a few more minutes. Just sayin'.

RULE #2: NO I WON'T HAVE BREAKFAST WITH YOU !
Your bartender is there for one purpose..to get you drunk so you can give us all your money. We'll flirt, smile, hell we'll even show you a piercing or two (I charge a dollar for those)... basically we're just trying to make our money. This is what we do. It's all about hussle and bussle. But when we're running the bar on a Saturday night making drink after drink, we really don't have time to strike up a flirtatious conversation with you lasting more than about 10 seconds. I'm really not that into you. A smile doesn't open the door for an invitation to dinner. I'm a bartender, I work almost every night... I don't eat dinner sorry.

After we so nicely turn you down, please don't offer us breakfast when we're done with our shift. Really, most likely when we're done w/our shift we're either drinking, sleeping, or in some downtown Cleveland bar cases, snorting a line of blow. I really don't have time for breakfast. I'll most likely go home and pass out in the wee hours of the morning, and not wake up till after lunchtime so again, you lose. Begging makes you look pathetic, so stop before I start short-pouring your drinks.

RULE #3: THE OPEN BAR POLICY
When a company buys out a bar for three hours of all-u-can-drink, this doesn't automatically mean tips aren't appreciated anymore... just because Bobby Blazer&Tie doesn't have to throw a dime down to support his alcoholism during happy hour because his company did, doesn't mean the same rules don't apply when it comes to drinking. We're your bartenders...we can be your best friends... IF you're nice to us. Don't fuck with people who are pouring your drinks or you're on the shitlist. You want a top shelf long island? Oh sweet, cuz I'm giving you well starting with the Kamchatka Vodka.

But when you attend an open-bar and throw a $10 or $20 down in the beginning, you bet your ASS I'm remembering your face. When the bar is filled, and you pop your pretty little self in line, I'm coming right to you. You want a vodka and cranberry? I'm pouring your the better vodka with a rocks pour. This is how it works. You take care of me, I'll take care of you... Got it?

RULE #4: TO BE CUT-OFF IS FOR REASON
I rarely cut people off. My job is to get you fucking blasted, and I must say I do a damn good job. A happy bartender is a happy bar. But when you've had one too many Absolut & Redbulls and your words are slurred to a filthy, slobbery mess of wobbles and saggy eyelids, I'm probably cutting you off. If I can't understand your order anymore because you're so hammered & you start ordering an Olives vodka three cherries (true story), I'm probably cutting you off. I'm especially cutting you off if I've learned you're driving, and finding your keys in your own pants pocket takes you a good five minutes because your fingers done forgot how to grab intatimate objects. Then I'm calling you a cab. Don't take offense to a bartender cutting you off and offering you a cab. We truly care if you start endangering your life and others around you. You get into a car accident, and we feel partially responsible. So please, trust our judgements. They're a lot less impaired than yours.

RULE #5: FLATTERY WON'T KEEP YOUR WALLET FULL
Flatterly is loved by all. Flattery will get you a smile and possibly a blushing cheek. But constant flattery timed to a T will not get you drinks for free. You're so preeeetty. Gee thanks. Here's a beer.... and it's still $4. Your comment isn't going to blow me away because BELIEVE ME, I've heard them all. My eyes are exotic, my name is sexy, and my ass is phenominal in these Dickies...uh huh awesome. And if you even THINK to ask your bartender to hook you up on the price of a drink, then you have to be out of your damn mind. You know what that says to us? That says you're too cheap to drink, & too cheap to tip. If all you have is $3 and you really want one of those $4 beers, then I'm really fucking sorry. Try down the street.

RULE #6: SHOTS ARE FUN, BUT WASTED BARTENDERS AREN'T
So another Saturday night and another busy bar. Sure, buying a shot in appreciation for your bartender is swell. Kudos bro, you moved up my who I'm watching out for list. But don't get your bartender wasted. Yea, being buzzed behind the bar may be fun, but whats the use of watching your bartender stumble around the bar, making the wrong drinks, and taking 20 times longer to get YOURS because she's so wasted the word TANQUERY is looking damn near the same as the word CUERVO. Enough is enough. We know our limit when @work. So please, it's not an insult, we just don't wanna lose our customers OR our jobs. We still love you the same as we did during that first shot.

(This rule is different depending on bartenders... I personally can't work shit-canned, but some bartenders performance actually may improve w/alcohol)